headphones radio

World's First Sporting Event Takes Place in Cherry Point, Deaths of Three Citizens Occur

This weekend, the world’s first sports tournament took place in the town of Cherry Point, and resulted in the deaths of the town’s mayor, and another citizen and his son. Eight competitors took to the custom-built arena in a bid to prove that they were the best in their field. The event pitted athlete against athlete in games of “Spleef”. The aim of the sport is to destroy the ground beneath both you and your opponent’s feet in an effort to make them fall through to the floor below. Each matchup was won by one player winning two out of three matches. In an attempt to raise the stakes, the ground below was replaced in this arena with a pool of lava. Biting was also explicity banned from matches.

One of the contestants was fellow Northlands Network contributor, Sportycuff. I asked how he was feeling about the event just a few minutes before his first game.

I’m feeling excited, and rather hyped! I quite fancy my chances, but I do think there’s going to be a tight competition!

Another of the competitors was Avondale, Cherry Point’s mayor. In his final public statement, he told us:

I’m excited to play! I was a little worried ahead of time, because I saw that there was lava beneath the arena. I was under the impression that the game was going to be a life or death situation, but now I’ve found out that it isn’t, I’m really excited to play! I’m looking forward to seeing how I’ll stack up against the competition.

When asked about his thoughts on his first game against GamerStu, he said:

I mean, can you really call it competition? But anyway, I’m going to be taking each game seriously - even though it’s just for fun. If I’m going to play, I’m going to try to win!

The first matchup was Jarmzie against Ninjascorpion. It was a great two fights, but Ninjascorpion falling into the lava twice resulted in Jarmzie progressing through the bracket.

Unfortunately during the first round of his matchup against GamerStu, Avondale fell into the supposedly safe lava pool and died. Claims of cheating and murder were quick to spread throughout the arena, though the immediate outrage passed to sadness as the gravitas of the situation hit the crowd. A rematch was called, and unfortuntely this resulted in the death of GamerStu. At this point, the organisers called the score 1-1 and the final game took place between both competitor’s sons. During this, GamerStu Jr. tried to start a conversation, but his distraction led to his own death.

GamerStu Jr.’s son announced that he wouldn’t be pressing any charges, and Avondale Jr. announced that he wished for his opponent to take his place in the tournament “in honour of the unsafe playing conditions”.

The rest of the tournament was comparatively uneventful, culminating in a best-of-five matchup between Jedijoe and Jarmzie. The last game of the tournament was arguably one of the longest, and those in attendance would agree that it was a rollercoaster of emotions. From fast-paced spleefing action to confessions of love, it was truly a sight to behold.

The final champion was Jedijoe, who won a grand total of 234 Shmoolah. In second place was Jarmzie, who won 18 Shmoolah, and in third place was GamerStu’s grandson who won 6 Shmoolah.

Following the event, we spoke to one of the organisers, Imdad, who told us:

Overall, it was magnificant; quite the spectable! Not everything went quite as planned. However, being the first tournament, I believe it was better than it should have been! The rounds were intense, the crowd was great, the food was great! Everything was awesome!

He also hinted that he was interested in hosting more tournaments in the future, with the potential of a prize pool reaching 1,000 Shmoolah.

The Northlands Network would like to extend its sympathies to the families of both GamerStu and GamerStu Jr., and Avondale.